By Kate Curry
So you’ve made an adorable new toddler space for your Little, and she is going to start sleeping in a big kid bed. So exciting!
Maybe she has outgrown the crib, started climbing out, a new sibling is coming, or you just feel like “it’s time.”
For many kids, this transition is successful…. AT FIRST. This “honeymoon period” of a few days up to 2 weeks in which your child stays in the new big kid bed lulls everyone into a false sense of “this was easy!”
When the thrill of the new bed wears off or your child starts to realize the new freedoms that are associated with a big kid bed, things change. You find yourself having to stay in the room during bedtime to prevent your child from leaving the room. Maybe you stay until they fall asleep. Maybe you end up laying in bed with them (and sometimes taking a nap yourself!).
You sneak out when they are asleep… only to find a little visitor coming to find you in the middle of the night. And not just once. Multiple times during the night.
Everyone is exhausted in the middle of the night, so what happens with this little visitor? Often times, she gets to sleep in bed with the caretakers. Or maybe somebody goes back to her room and sleeps with her.
And then the next night – REPEAT.
How do you get out of this cycle?
If you find bedtimes getting longer, are wondering how to help your toddler fall asleep by herself, or are experiencing multiple night visits, this method may be for you.
Why is this happening?
Many previously good sleepers struggle with the transition to a big kid bed. Many factors go into this.
- Children under age 3 may have difficulty understanding the new “rules” associated with a big kid bed.
- It is a toddler’s job to test boundaries. This is how they learn. Toddlers may need to push the bedtime boundaries before understanding the new expectations.
- Toddlers will remember those times in which they were brought to a caretaker’s bed or when someone came to sleep with them in their room. They will continue to perform behaviors (going to parents room/crying for them) to try to get that same response. As children age, they are able to maintain these memories for longer. They may still be thinking about a response that happened a few weeks ago even though it was “only that one time!”
“The baby who goes to sleep with help from one of his or her parents by nursing, rocking, or holding learns only adult transition skills and needs an adult present in order to fall asleep.
The baby or toddler who goes to sleep alone cuddling a stuffed animal, holding his or her favorite blanket, or sucking his or her thumb learns valuable self-quieting skills that can be used for many years to come.” Dr. Weissbluth
How Can We Break the Cycle of Long Bedtimes and Night Wakings?:
There are multiple components that go into healthy sleep. In this article, we are focusing on providing a specific, consistent approach to keeping your child in their bed alone and handling night wakings. Other areas to consider when thinking about your child’s sleep include:
- Sleep Environment
- Bedtime Routine (See my other blogs: toddler discussion cards or toddler choice making at bedtime. )
- Schedule (Naps, bedtime, consistency)
- Consistency in implementing an approach
The High Five Game.
This is a lesser known method of helping your child to stay in the big kid bed without battles, running out of the room, or keeping a locked door throughout the night. It helps ease your child into being alone in their room while maintaining a healthy connection with the caregiver throughout the process.
Step by Step Guide to the High Five Game.
1. Complete a soothing bedtime routine, end with a high five.
At the end of the bedtime routine, your child will be in their big kid big. You will tell them, “I will keep coming back to check on you to give you a high five IF you stay in your bed.” Then you say good night, give a high five, and walk confidently towards the door.
2. Before you even exit the room, look back (hopefully they are still in bed at this point) and go back to give a high five and say “You’re still in bed. Night Night.”
You can alter the phrase to include your own unique good night/love you, but it is helpful to maintain a very similar phrase each time you come in. You are not coming for discussion, just a high five, short praise, and good night.
3. Leave the room (can close door or leave it open)but come back in BEFORE they leave the bed.
Every child is different, and so there is no set time to leave the room and then come back. If you know your child will be out of bed immediately (or this is the first couple nights of beginning this), leave the room and go back immediately. Say the same phrase, give the high five, and leave the room. The key to this step is going back to them BEFORE they are out of bed.
4. Keep stretching your time out of the room.
Depending on your child, you may be in and out of the room quite frequently in the beginning. That’s okay! They are learning a big new skill, and you’re there to help them do it. If you are consistent, you will notice that you can start stetching that time between visits. Then one time, they will fall asleep (independently!).
5. Manage night wakings with a silent return to bed.
Since everyone is tired in the middle of the night, it is best to handle night wakings with a silent return to the big kid bed. Now your child has already fallen asleep on their own at bedtime, so both you and she knows that she can do it.
It is very common for kids to experience some night wakings the first few days/week because their bodies have become used to waking throughout the night AND they may have expectations of sleeping in a caregivers room. Important aspects of the silent return include:
- Avoid conversation. Do not engage in answering/asking questions. Just say a consistent phrase such as “It’s time for sleep. I will help you to your bed. Night Night.”
- Do not tuck in, give water, or start fulfilling requests (bathroom may be an exception).
- Bring them to their room and see if they will go to the bed by themselves. Then give the high five and leave the room.
- Return them to the bed immediately if they leave again.
- Try to catch them as close to their door as possible. Some people will put bells on the door to alert them when the child has left the room. You do NOT want them to make it all the way into your bed.
- Do not allow them to sleep in your bed “just this once.” I know it is hard in the middle of the night. But once you begin a consistent nighttime routine, it is confusing and ineffective to be inconsistent. Make sure you are ready to begin a consistent routine before you start.
The goal of the silent return to bed is to bring the child back to their big kid bed while giving them NO motivation to continue to leave the room.
Troubleshooting: What to do if they keep leaving the bed.
Maybe your child is leaving the bed so quickly at bedtime that you can’t go in for the high five. Or maybe they were doing pretty good in bed but they surprise you and pop out when you don’t expect it. This is to be expected.
First Time: The first time they come out of the bed, you get to them as quickly as possible and lead them back to bed. You remind them “I will only come back for a high five if you are in your bed. If you try to leave the room, I will have to close the door to help remind your body to stay in bed.” Then start from step one, heading towards the door then turning back around for a quick high five. Continue through the steps.
Second Time: The second time your child tries to leave the room, you go back in and bring them back to bed. You remind them, “You need to stay in bed to get a high five. Your body is having a hard time staying in the room so I am going to close the door.”
Close the door for one minute. If your child is able to open the door, I suggest putting on a toddler doorknob, door monkey, or finding a way to keep the door closed for one minute.
After one minute, go back in and begin at step one.
Subsequent Times: Lengthen the time the door remains closed. When you go back in, remember to remain calm and confident and give your child the opportunity to show you they can do it.
Continue until your child falls asleep and use a silent return to bed for night wakings.
Variations
Many children like high fives (and they are quick and easy!), but you know your child best. Maybe they would prefer a kiss or a QUICK hug.
Some may even prefer the quick delivery of a paper heart, smiley face, or whatever they’re interested in. This works too, as long as the items don’t become too much of a distraction to sleep. And when your little one falls asleep, you can leave a big pile of the paper items to show them how much you checked up on them at night.
Tips for Success.
- Be consistent with your response once you begin.
- Use a monitor so that you can try to catch them for a high five before they leave the bed.
- Keep the High Five visits very short and sweet. Do not engage in conversation, just stick to your script, high five, and leave the room.
- PRACTICE. PRACTICE. PRACTICE. Show your child what to expect during the daytime. Role play what will happen. To make it even more fun, let them play the parent to you or a stuffed animal!
Now you are ready to begin. Have confidence in your little one that she can do this! Be consistent, stay positive, and be there to support her in learning this life long skill.
What fun variations worked for your family? Share below!