By Kate Curry
I have always had a soft spot for toddlers. There’s something about these little people just running around saying and doing wild things that makes me laugh. It’s like being back in college and hanging out with your friend at the party who’s had too many drinks. You’re just wondering what they are going to do next.
Which is all fun and games until one is living in your home. You’re not dropping this drunk friend back at their dorm anytime soon. So, what do you do now?
One of the most effective behavior strategies I used with my young students back in my teaching days was giving them choice. But not just any choice. You are giving them choices that will allow them some sense of control while also following along with the plan you have in place. Win win.
“You are giving them choices that will allow them some sense of control while also following along with the plan you have in place. Win win!”
Positive Parenting philosophy tells us that kids have two emotional buckets that need to be filled everyday: The Belonging/Significance/Attention bucket and the Power bucket. A good bedtime routine should work on filling both of these buckets, but today we are focusing on the Power bucket.
A child’s Power bucket it filled when they feel as though they have some sense of control. This can be accomplished by giving them choices throughout the day, including bedtime routine. (I actually made it even easier on you by making some handy dandy toddler bedtime cards that you can download free!)
Now I know what you’re thinking, “But if I give them the choice of when to goto bed, they’re never going to go!” That’s probably true. If I ask my daughter what she wants for dinner, she usually says “ice cream soup” (at least she says soup, so that’s kind of healthy right?). Now if I ask her if she wants broccoli or peppers with her chicken, she usually says peppers.
See what I did there? I’m giving her a choice from two options that I’ve already preselected as appropriate choices. I’m fine with whatever she picks because I’ve already decided in my mind that either is good.
She does not get every choice in the world, nor does she want every choice in the world. This is important. Children do not want to make big, heavy choices that they are intellectually and emotionally incapable of making.
Even functioning adults don’t always enjoy making big, open-ended decisions. Have you ever had this discussion with a spouse: “What do you want for dinner?” “I don’t know. What do you want?” “I don’t know.” Welcome to my house every Friday night. Now give me a menu from somewhere, and I’m good to go!
So let’s talk about how you can bring appropriate child choices into your bedtime routine.
Pictured above is a preview of the toddler bedtime cards you can download. Here are 6 things that you may or may not do in your bedtime routine. If there’s something that you don’t want to do that night (maybe it has been a long day and attempting a tree pose at 7:00pm is not in the cards tonight), then don’t offer it as a choice. See, there’s one of the perks of being the parent!
Maybe you prefer to just get some things out of the way up front in the bedtime routine. For example, I like to have the pajamas on and teeth brushed before settling down to some of the more “fun” activities like yoga and reading books. So I may make a little schedule with my cards. I would put the Brush Teeth and Put on Pajamas as first and second, and then my daughter could pick out what is going to be third from the choices I give her. She still has control, but we are also doing things in a way that I think works best for our family.
If you have an older child and are flexible, you could give them the activities and let them choose what order the bedtime routine will be in for that day. That’s another way of giving them a sense of control over the situation (but again only give them the cards that you want them to do that night).
Now you’re thinking, that’s great for some kids but I know my child and there are going to be times when they’re not going to want to pick from my two choices. Sure, that’s probably the case. So here’s what you can do about that: make an initial choice for them and then allow them a second opportunity to make choice. So what does that look like?
“I see you’re having a hard time choosing between books and yoga tonight. Sometimes I have a hard time making choices, too. I am going to help you. Tonight we are going to read books. Do you want to read Goodnight Moon or Night Night Little Pookie?”
If they’re still having a hard time making choices, just calmly choose for them and support them through the bedtime routine. *Side note – this may also indicate that they are already overtired so you may want to consider starting bedtime a bit earlier.
Don’t be afraid to get creative. You can make choices out of everything. From “Do you want to wear your pajamas regular or inside out (hello, how can they say no to inside out and doesn’t that mean you can get an extra wear out of them?!)?” to “Should I sing Baby Shark or the ABCs while you brush your teeth?”
As with anything with toddlers, if this is something new to them then it may take a little bit to get used to it. Just continue to give simple choices (that you like) throughout the day and be consistent. By the way, please don’t ever give a choice that you won’t follow through with. We all know that person who asks you a question and then completely disregards your answer – not fun.
Make sure to click below to get to my Freebie download of toddler cards (and there’s even more free stuff to check out over there, too.)
And comment below with the choices you have given your toddlers and how it went. I’m always up for some positive or funny toddler stories!