By Kate Curry
Let me start off by saying: YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE!
Many families I work with had a good sleeper at one point… but then life happened: illness, vacations, birth of a sibling, holidays, and anything that can throw you off your consistent routine for a few days in a row.
When your child is sick, you do anything to help make sure they are OK. When you’re on vacation, you may not be able to stick to any kind of routine. When a sibling comes, everything goes out the window.
These are all very normal situations, but what can you do to help get back that good sleeper you used to have? Read on for 4 ways to get back to the well-rested family you once were.
Get Back into the Previous Routine As Soon As Possible: This May be Sooner Than You Think
For vacations, start the very first day you are back from the trip, even though you may be dead tired from your “vacation.” Kids make a quick connection between different environment having differing expectations. (I can’t tell you how many kids sleep fine at daycare but do not nap at home!) So, even if vacation was the Wild West, day one back home is back to pre-vacation routine.
For illness, you want your child to be healthy enough that you are not worried about them. They may not be feeling 100%, but that’s okay. (I don’t know about you, but my daughter can keep a cough around for weeks!)
For most illnesses, this shouldn’t be more than 2-3 nights off the usual routine. You may need to check in a bit more, bring water/medicine during the night, or just be more conscious of watching the monitor.
When a sibling comes home, this is a great time to enlist the help of another caregiver to ensure that the older sibling gets back to a consistent bedtime routine as soon as possible. With such a big change in their world, children do find comfort in the familiarity of their usual bedtime routine. Also, this can allow them some special alone time with a caregiver to help them with this big transition.
When you start bringing children into your room for 4 days or more, this starts to become a habit. You wouldn’t believe how used to a parents’ bed a toddler can becomes within a few days. But just like a child who has gotten a lot of junk food lately, you reset the healthy boundary and uphold it.
“If you cannot think of a reason to continue, it’s time to start over.”
Explain What is Happening if You Can
I always err on the side that a child may be able to understand what you’re saying even if they don’t have the ability to verbalize it. And even if they don’t quite understand, what’s the harm of explaining anyway?
You can explain in very simple terms that he is healthy/vacation is finished/your starting you’re bedtime routine again/etc.
For toddlers and older children, you can even practice what this means. If you had a solid routine in place before, your child should be familiar with the routine. You can play “bedtime” where you role play what the bedtime and nighttime will look like. Then allow your little one to put you or a stuffed animal/pet to bed!
Be Consistent Once You Begin
As mentioned previously, you want to begin getting back into your routine as soon as possible, but this includes when you know you will be able to be consistent with your plan. It is confusing for children when you begin a plan but then change the way you respond to them.
You may be surprised how quickly a child becomes used to a new sleeping situation. On one vacation when my daughter was young, she woke up very early one morning. There was a bed in the room with her crib, so I thought “just this one time” I would lay in the room with her to keep her from waking up the house and let me get a few extra hours of sleep.
Not a good idea! Every single nap/bedtime following that morning, she asked me to lay in the bed. (Which seemed crazy because she sleeps in her own room with no problems at home.) I did not lay in the bed after that one time, and she was upset about it. I ended up just feeling bad that I had confused her and went back to our usual routine.
Children appreciate consistency and feel comfort in knowing that their caregiver will respond in the way that they expect.
Prevention is Easier Than Starting Over
Sometimes you really cannot help it and you need to alter your child’s sleep plan. However, there are a lot of things you can do before you just throw your hands up and completely change the routine.
My Guide to Good Sleep With Children on Vacation gives tips on how to continue your routine on vacation (and keeps everyone rested for an awesome trip!)
When you need to help a child at night (new vacation setting or illness, for example), it helps to think about it in terms of “What is the least invasive thing I can do to support my child and feel good about it?”
If you want to be next to them and monitoring them throughout the night, it is better to go sleep in their room. Similarly, it is less invasive to sleep in a mattress next to them than in the same bed. Even less invasive would be to watch the monitor and do more frequent check ins throughout the night.
Less invasive support is easier to remove. Bringing a child to sleep in your bed is the most support you can offer, and so it is the hardest to change when it’s time to go back to independent sleep.
At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is best to support your child. Keeping in mind that some supports can be more difficult to undo than others if you want to go back to independent sleep. BUT the good news is that you can always use the tips listed above to start over when sleep training falls apart.