By Kate Curry
As you may have heard, sometimes sleep training gets a bad rap. Sleep coaches are painted as these villains that come into your home, make you close the child’s bedroom door, and ignore them until morning. Whether that feels right to you or not, that’s what they’ll tell you to do.
Well no wonder people are scared of sleep training. That sounds quite terrifying! For one, if that’s all your getting out of a sleep coach, do not hire that person. Honestly, that is not the process for most sleep coaches out there.
Personally, I find that bedtime is actually a perfect opportunity to make a connection with your child that you continue to build on each and every night. It’s a time when you’re child is winding down (and for toddlers this may be the most still they are all day) and looking to engage with you before they goto sleep.
I know what some of you are thinking – but my bedtimes are a nightmare! It’s such a struggle to get them to brush their teeth and get their jammies on that neither of us has the energy to “connect.” Plus I know that once I say goodnight, that’s just the beginning of a long string of curtain calls (water, hug, tuck in, you name it) before I just go in and lay next to them until they fall asleep.
I see you out there with tough bedtimes, and I understand. One of the interesting things about bedtimes is that they are cyclical. Once the cycle of bad bedtimes starts, it’s hard to get out. When bedtimes get difficult, you begin to do things that perpetuate a difficult bedtime.
“No, not me!” you may be saying. But when bedtimes are hard, you start to dread it. We’ve all been there. It’s the end of the day and you just want this to go smoothly so everyone can relax. So you may start skipping some of the fun bedtime things (songs, discussion, etc.) to just get them into bed.
Even if you’re going through the motions, you start approaching bedtime with anxiety or trepidation. That is a vibe that your child will pick up on.
So what can you do?
Make bedtimes more enjoyable for you and for your child.
And as you may be suspecting, this is one of those things that’s easier said than done. It takes a big overhaul of your bedtime routine to go from dreadful hours of just hoping they’ll fall asleep to 20-30 enjoyable minutes and then sleep.
One thing you can introduce into your routine is discussion. (I would also recommend introducing choice – which I talk about in a previous blog post and give free downloadable choice cards!)
Discussion cards are a fun and calm way to connect with your child. This shouldn’t get too wild and silly because we’re trying to maintain a peaceful vibe throughout the routine.
Discussion can be added into any aged child’s routine. I began adding discussion in when my daughter was about 10 months old. At that point I just picked what I wanted to talk to her about for 1-2 minutes, and looked at her and tried to engage with her through touch and eye contact while I spoke. It set such a nice, peaceful tone for sleep. (And it’s good for mama to have a predetermined moment to talk about all the things she’s grateful for!)
As the child gets older, you can begin to discuss simpler topics that they can join in with. I find that kids respond better when you begin the sentence for them and allow them to fill in the last part as opposed to asking specifically “what” questions. Sometimes that can make children feel as though they’re on the spot and need to answer with the “right” answer.
For instance, “Today you really liked when you played with….” And allow them time to see if they will answer. As opposed to “What/Who did you play with this morning?”
And you can also model some options if they seem confused (or tired – it should be nearing sleeping time after all!). “Today you really liked when you played with…. (wait 10 seconds) the trucks at the park. I like how you played trucks with your new friend we met at the park today.”
You can also pick a quality that you enjoy seeing displayed and celebrate it with them. “I really liked how brave you were at the playground today. You climbed to the top all by yourself.” Kids will learn to internalize these qualities as their own. It makes them feel good, which is a really great way to go off to sleep.
As kids begin to get get more comfortable with language, you can expand your discussion. I’ve created a set of 12 unique discussion cards (download under Freebies, link below!) that you can print out and keep near where you do your bedtime routine. I would suggest just doing 1-2 cards per night.
To really connect during this discussion time, here’s what I would recommend:
- No phones (you know when you’re talking to that person and they’re on the phone and you just know they’re not actually listening even though they say “yeah, uh huh”? Well, kids know, too.)
- Look at each other and show that you’re listening.
- Repeat back what the child says, you can even just repeat word for word what they just said. They will feel so validated that you heard them. (Also, you’re on your way to becoming a therapist – congrats!)
- Join in the conversation and respond to the questions. They want to know about you, too!
- Think about allowing other family members to join, too. It’s a great time to allow siblings to connect, as well. However, you also want it to be special so maybe have a sibling come in as a guest every so often.
If your bedtimes are difficult, I would recommend adding this right before it’s time for your child to go into their bed. Even if you need to step out of the room or take a few calming breaths before discussion, that’s okay. Bring a calm presence and real curiosity about getting to know your child.
If you continue to do that everyday, you will begin to introduce a new peaceful environment for sleep. This can begin to prevail over the whole bedtime routine as both you and your child begin to enjoy the routine and each other’s company. This can lead to faster onset of sleep, less night wakings, and a better connection with your child.
The link to download the discussion cards is below. Let me know in the comments if you try it with your child!